To Whom it May Concern

I didn’t know a “nervous breakdown” was your nervous system breaking down and not being able to function as intended.. I didn’t know that eventually those things you muscle through  will show themselves. It’s been two years since the initial “breaking,” and it still surprises me that there are days when I don’t want to be here anymore.It's not a desire to die, per se, or even a lack of a will to live. It's more so a feeling of "I don't know how to do this anymore, and I would rather not be here anymore.". The more honest I’ve gotten with others about this feeling, the more I am hearing that the feeling is understood. Is this a normal thought in other people?  Or is this something of a plague we agree with and figure, “It’s ok we will just get through it?”

In experiencing my lowest days, I realized that when my nervous system is most stressed I start to get fuzzy-brained and do weird things. On one of those days, I left my iPad in the Denver airport bathroom, wrecked a rental car before I even got it out of the parking lot, and saw a project I’d dedicated my whole life to for two years go up in flames during  a three hour flight. I remember crying over how dark the day was. I had no idea how to manage all I was facing and telling my friend that I saw no tomorrows. 

I don’t feel like that today, thankfully. I think I am to the place where I know there are tomorrows no matter how dark today. I do feel deeply at times that I have very little worth to add to the world. It’s a very strong feeling that leaves me feeling loose and shaking all within my core. 

I really thought I was immune from mental health struggles, but I know that we are all the same. I know these things make it more relatable but being in the midst of days where I have to ask for help to hold myself together is very humbling. So humbling, I ALMOST don’t want to tell anyone, but the fear of keeping that in feels greater so I humble myself. I’ll be transparent…I don’t understand the purpose of this season I’m walking out, what I did or didn’t do to bring it on or exacerbate it, why I know He’s a real God but I also feel like He’s this distant judge and I just have to muscle through. My mind knows that He is not attached to how these relationships and circumstances diminish my sense of worth and life attribution, but my heart and my emptiness feels like it is. The “muscle through” doesn’t work, I’m fairly sedentary these days, and I want sustainable mental and physical health. 

So cheers to those whom it may concern, regarding our mental health and the battles we rage against and within. I’m asking for help, I’m being honest, and I’m full of faith (even if it’s a habit of faith) that nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. You can join me, thankfully we aren’t alone.