To Whom it May Concern

I didn’t know a “nervous breakdown” was your nervous system breaking down and not being able to function as intended.. I didn’t know that eventually those things you muscle through  will show themselves. It’s been two years since the initial “breaking,” and it still surprises me that there are days when I don’t want to be here anymore.It's not a desire to die, per se, or even a lack of a will to live. It's more so a feeling of "I don't know how to do this anymore, and I would rather not be here anymore.". The more honest I’ve gotten with others about this feeling, the more I am hearing that the feeling is understood. Is this a normal thought in other people?  Or is this something of a plague we agree with and figure, “It’s ok we will just get through it?”

In experiencing my lowest days, I realized that when my nervous system is most stressed I start to get fuzzy-brained and do weird things. On one of those days, I left my iPad in the Denver airport bathroom, wrecked a rental car before I even got it out of the parking lot, and saw a project I’d dedicated my whole life to for two years go up in flames during  a three hour flight. I remember crying over how dark the day was. I had no idea how to manage all I was facing and telling my friend that I saw no tomorrows. 

I don’t feel like that today, thankfully. I think I am to the place where I know there are tomorrows no matter how dark today. I do feel deeply at times that I have very little worth to add to the world. It’s a very strong feeling that leaves me feeling loose and shaking all within my core. 

I really thought I was immune from mental health struggles, but I know that we are all the same. I know these things make it more relatable but being in the midst of days where I have to ask for help to hold myself together is very humbling. So humbling, I ALMOST don’t want to tell anyone, but the fear of keeping that in feels greater so I humble myself. I’ll be transparent…I don’t understand the purpose of this season I’m walking out, what I did or didn’t do to bring it on or exacerbate it, why I know He’s a real God but I also feel like He’s this distant judge and I just have to muscle through. My mind knows that He is not attached to how these relationships and circumstances diminish my sense of worth and life attribution, but my heart and my emptiness feels like it is. The “muscle through” doesn’t work, I’m fairly sedentary these days, and I want sustainable mental and physical health. 

So cheers to those whom it may concern, regarding our mental health and the battles we rage against and within. I’m asking for help, I’m being honest, and I’m full of faith (even if it’s a habit of faith) that nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. You can join me, thankfully we aren’t alone. 

To Whom it May Concern

To whom it May Concern:

Just because it doesn’t look like what you think it’s supposed to look like doesn’t mean it’s not exactly what it is supposed to be like. We align our lives to scripture and in doing that we offer our best yes and let it take us where it goes. The full Bible is truth or it is not, and if it is our steps are ordered, His plans are perfect, we will suffer for this gospel life we lead, and regardless of our opinion of presupposition it will also look like Glory that is to God, not to us. His glory is our glory and that is enough when we bend our knee. 

To Whom it May Concern

I can remember the first time I came into a larger chunk of money. I was balanced, had cash at the ready, and felt as if I had arrived and would never need money again. There was this arrogant naïveté in my thinking that I would always have an influx of money; not learning yet, that much like all things there are tides in life that ebb and wane. I am finding that my encounters and revelations of God are much the same. From mountaintop moments I will burst from within my heart thinking I will never be the same again. Though this is true, proximity of time changes the shine of high moments.

When I was younger still, I would chase the highs of God. I wanted dramatic supernatural moments that made me feel so good in a way I only feel in those moments. It was and still is the best high I’ve ever felt. But therein lies the issues; we must guard ourselves from chasing those highs. Frustratingly, I must admit, my greatest growth and maturation comes in the lows when I’m processing the highs, and sitting in whatever abide the highs have given birth to. 

I am learning, God never reveals himself just to show us Himself simply for the heck of it. He does it for myriads of reasons and the longer I sit in the stays,  I am finding how He deepens the relationships between He and I. The earlier highs were beautiful, but these new highs are deeper and more hard fought for. Not because He’s a God who doesn’t want to be with us, but because He’s a good Father who is in the process of making us into who we were designed to be. It’s not easy, but it’s a good leading. He’s faithful, he’s good, and he’s just as profound and elevating in valleys as He is atop the mountain. 

Street Foods and the Process of the Making

As I walk down La Calzada de Santa Lucia, the main street of hustle and bustle in Antigua, I smell tortillas being made on the street. It’s a distinct smell, one that makes me start to salivate. Tortillas in the states are nothing compared to here, how they make them, the sound of the hands slapping them flat and then dropping them onto the hot stove is a true cultural experience of street foods in Guatemala. There are beautiful views at every turn, the weather is ideal, and I am learning a new language! If I’m honest, I really don’t think I believed I could do that. 

There is a different pace of life here, I walk to the market and buy fresh flowers that overtake my house for pennies on the dollar, I pick out fresh vegetables every few days because they won’t make it longer, and I take a coffee break by walking two blocks from my house and grabbing the best iced dirty chai latte in town. There are also some things that slow the pace of life down because they aren’t the same conveniences I had in the States, for example, filling ice trays is a longer process. I have to keep my eco-filter filled with water so I have clean drinking water to fill the trays with. My filter is a literal five gallon bucket with a spout on the side that I use to open and close in 3 second bursts as I fill each cube with water. It’s not inconvenient or annoying, it’s just more time consuming than using the faucet. It’s micro-changes to my life that change the pace and rhythm of how things are done. 

I like it, but I have a hard time adjusting to it. I’m used to the busy paced hustle of American life and when I was there I longed for a simpler lifestyle that allowed me to explore the areas of life I felt were needing to be explored, but now that I’m in it, I have to make myself be ok with it. Trying to compare who I was when I was in America, to who I am and how I live my life here is a hard comparison. Transitioning to a new culture was a lot harder than a two week trip somewhere. I felt like I was in a fog for the first four months of being here. Now, nearly seven months in, at times I feel like I’m disappearing. Not sure what that means, but I don’t know who this Ginny is right now. She’s still the same at the core, I’m not running amuck and acting a fool, but the questions I’m asking in my heart, the laziness in my heart, it’s not who I’m used to being. I’m not sure if I’m in an undoing or just in a new thing, but this life I’ve taken on is weird and one hell of an adjustment. 

I’ve been walking this Way for a long time. In November, I will celebrate 20 years of intimate relationship with Jesus. In all this time, I have had seasons of “proofing” and they have always strengthened my faith in His goodness and faithfulness. That being said, I find it so beautiful that in my internal heart wanders right now, in the moments when I feel like I’m disappearing, I remember I am in the middle of the making. He is making me and though it may not always be tidy and attractive, it’s honest and in progress. I read something by Oswald Chambers the other day where it talked about how the destination is the process. I guess that means I’m here, I got to the destination because clearly I’m in process. 

I think even when we know the strippings and unlearnings are coming, we feel lost within them when they hit until the truths fill back into those places. Most of my lessons are an unlearning of something I thought was but, come to find out, was not. Being committed to the unlearning and the process of the making is as important as our “yes” when we first encounter Jesus. It’s what sustains us to the finish line of this great race we took up the baton in.

So, fellow friends who are in process as well, I hope you embrace it and let it truly mold and shape you. I am and though sometimes I don’t know why I keep going, I know it’s all worth it and Jesus is worth every lost feeling, every frustration of wanting my way and my own glory in the surrenders, and I know I can trust that He is busy in the making. 

Semana Santa and a Dive in a Lake

Welcome to Semana Santa! It’s Holy Week here, when Covid isn’t a thing the entire country goes into celebration and I’ve been told the amount of people is overwhelming. I haven’t been out much today yet, but I am eager to see what Antigua is a buzz with. 

It’s been an extremely eventful few weeks here in Guatemala. I worked extremely hard to get my work for our English classes to a place where I could set it down while my friend came to town. It was days in a row glued to my computer, but I am extremely proud of the work we have put in and I’m eager to see what works and what doesn’t. I’m wishing (only a little) I didn’t have to teach the classes, but I think that’s nerves and once I get into it, I’ll find a rhythm and will do fine. It’s encouraging to think we are about to put our best foot forward in helping these kids in Bola to change the course of their lives. When we change one it’s many more because here if one rises, the family rises. That gives me great hope for tomorrow and in the work that we’ve done. Really the best we can do is prepare and hope and the Lord does the rest. 

Last week my girlfriend came to visit and we experienced something I never expected, the airport closed due to volcanic ash. So crazy details later, she flew to San Salvador, El Salvador and my friend and hired driver got Covid tests and left at four am and went to get her. That was an adventure I will not be repeating, but we made it. It was amazing to have her here and she was able to bring some more of my clothes down for me which made it like Christmas! It was my own clothes, but I did get new shoes, because cobblestones change your shoe choices…

We spent two days at Lake Atitlan where we went hiking, zip lining, and swimming in the lake. It was a beautiful place and the adventures were a lot of fun. This trip was encouraging because it was a lot of work for my brain. I was the “native” traveling for the first time in the country and I had the Spanish. We got around really well on my Spanish. I was really proud to see it come together so well. I was able to get us where we needed to be, figure out when things left, what we were ordering, and helped negotiate shopping with the street vendors. What a blessing to see that all this work is starting to come together and I am going to make it here. 

We had a great trip. I did get a bit of food poisoning while she was here and was down for two days, but it was nice to have someone here to help me during that. Her visit really brought home some truths for me that I had to deal with. One of which being, I actually live here. She was going back to Virginia in a few days, but I was staying here and I never expected it to hit me so hard. It helped me see a few things, though. For example, I was merely “getting by.” I was working hard to make it a year, but not living here. So, when I got back from the airport yesterday I put up pictures, strung up twinkle lights, and made the decision to really be here. I don’t want to finish my time in Guatemala and go back to Virginia to the life I had before. Honestly, I wasn’t happy. I was merely “getting by” to the next day hoping the next tomorrow would be the day that would bring the breakthrough I was seeking. When I go back, I want to go back to more, with more. 

There’s a surrender that has come through her visit. Realizing all my disillusionments and missed expectations of what this was “supposed” to be like will never change if I don’t change my perspective. Becoming like Christ is a true stripping, it owes us nothing and the moments when we think it does it’s a good consideration to sit in a scripture that reminds us of the sacrifice of Christ and what the cross really meant. It meant eating with Peter who promised to never deny him knowing full well in a few hours he would. I am Peter, I promise to go and to serve and then deny I know this sacrifice when it asks me to deal with culture shock, selfish comforts, and wanting to have my cake and eat it too. 

I have two choices, to be here - really be here, or to “get by” until my time is done and I go back to the States. I have decided to go all in, to give it away again (even when I thought I already did that), to let him have his way. To sit in the stillness of this transitioning, trusting that in the cocoons of life he creates his greatest beauty in the quiet stillness of dim seasons. It is here I wait and trust his workmanship. 

Easter is here and it’s one of my most favorite times. I am cooking a chicken and having a few people over for a day of egg dying and egg hunts. Grateful for the care package from family who made sure I had Easter day provisions and Reese’s! 

The rest of this week/weekend I will work on preparing for our first English class on Tuesday. Pray for us! It’s exciting and I can’t wait to see what happens. I’ll also be working on fundraising. I am needing more financial partners to come alongside to reach my salary needs. I am impressed that I have more than 50 support partners, to think that many people are willing to help in this season is mind blowing. I am blown away by the community that I have. I am so blessed to know that I bring that with me. Community is life, it’s really the thing that sets me on fire and there are times when I am feeling overwhelmed with this choice that I remind myself there are people who are cheering me on. To know you are all here with me; to know who I can reach out to when I need something be it word, song, laugh, or cry there is someone in my community who is strategically there to provide that and I’m here to do the same for others....it’s pretty special what we are a part of when you think about it. 

Cats, Hamsters, Butterflies, and Quarantine

Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag, Guatemala became very real, very quickly last week. It was exciting to tell the world, but then it meant that I was moving to another country. As if my plane ticket and AirBnB reservation weren’t “real” enough. This week I had a lot of conversations with Angela, with This is Vida. It dawned on us that I would probably need to quarantine for two weeks upon my arrival in the country. They will get my groceries and leave them at the AirBnB and I will spend my first two weeks hanging out in my room. Guys, that’s 14 days all by myself. Real talk, I’ve NEVER spent two solid weeks alone in my entire life. I’m an extrovert, I hate being in the house alone too long, let alone being INSIDE THE SAME SPACE FOR 14 DAYS! Even on sick days, I typically need to at least drive to the 7-11 just to get out of the house for a few minutes. 

My initial internal reaction was dramatically, maybe I shouldn’t go after all? But then I thought, what in the world would I do instead?! The other downside of this is an additional two weeks in an AirBnB is nearly the equivalent of a month’s rent. I got over both of those circumstances, but still was tied up in thoughts of leaving. I had told the world now but not my boss. So I had to work that out too. I think the hardest part of this transition in letting the life changes Covid has brought carry over in all areas of my life and not being frustrated at its impact. I didn’t expect Covid to still be impacting my transition in September when I was making plans in March. I didn't think that I would have to consider sitting in an AirBnB with Winston for two weeks until I could get started in establishing my life in a new country. It also eliminated my hope of someone coming with me for the first two weeks to help with the transition. 

There are many things I could be distracted with in this season of transition. It truly is a challenging time, exciting for sure, but challenging. I’ve cried a lot, I have butterflies in my belly when I think about leaving, I feel isolated from people in a unique way and I get scared that I will be so lonely that I find myself striving in things now out of anticipation of that fear. I’m trying to learn not to let those things get in my way, I can run on these hamster wheels of fear and uncertainty or I can sit down, take a deep breath, and rest. Sometimes, I spend so much time trying to make something happen for myself that I make matters more frustrating for myself. I can’t control a virus, I can’t make the president open up borders, I can’t avoid sitting in a room for two weeks, but I can control how I approach each of these circumstances. I can trust the plan that was put into motion two years ago when I looked at my friend and said, “Let’s go on one of these trips,” is still moving forward, still on time, and still perfectly laid out to accomplish all it was supposed to. 

The beauty I’m seeing in inviting my world into all of this is the support from others; the expressed connection and support to the adventure. So many times in my life people would say they just didn’t understand my life choices - how I had such wanderlust, but this time, this life choice has been met with resounding excitement and support. It is as if this one just clicks for people and it makes sense to them. Not that I need my life to “make sense” to anyone, but to have the people in your world resound with you is nice. It encourages and reminds me community is important, they spur us on and those that don’t...just let those go.