To Whom it May Concern

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I had a very close friend for a season in my life who battled deep clinical depression. The kind there I would have to go over to her house and get her to simply take a shower. I would coax her for about 40 minutes to get up by starting with simply sitting up. It was something I didn’t understand, but I could see this weight on her and wanted to help lift its gravity off her if just through a clean PJ set. I learned a lot in that time, and it made me far more compassionate to those who battle different forms of depression. 

In 2009, I opted for a double lumbar fusion surgery in my lower back to have a chance at a less painful life. Thankfully, it brought great healing to my body at the cost of great illness to my brain. The anesthesia and drugs changed my brain chemistry sending me into an overwhelming depression. I thought I was under spiritual attack (I know it was and continues to be but there also is a definite chemical illness happening) if I’m transparent; I asked a pastor at church about it and she advised that she thought I was depressed. I had no frame of reference for identification it. 

Life continues to happen. As I pen this I am reflecting on the journey…that bout had me deeply anxious and paranoid where I only felt safe in my car. I spent weeks parking in large parking lots like Home Depot or Lowe’s, reading a book in my car all day long. I didn’t feel safe anywhere outside of that car. It was a strange time. 

In 2011 my spiritual father passed from cancer and I had an excruciatingly challenging job at the time. I found myself in the parking lot of work more than once hyperventilating and crying. I was barely sleeping and felt like I was coming undone. This time I went to a doctor and they advised I was depressed but it presented itself as anxiety. I was prescribed Xanax; that was a God send in that time and I finally started sleeping again. 

In 2019 after years of learning to manage anxiety, feeling that my bouts of melancholy were because I was a writer and it’s how artists are; I found myself getting through each day thinking that surely tomorrow would have to be better. The thing is, my tomorrows were not getting better. Then we have a global pandemic which changed all of us, maybe fundamentally.  Then, I graduate from graduate school and feel like I should move to Guatemala to serve for a year as a full time missionary. Couple that with a deep spiritual crisis over church, pastor behavior and treatment, and something stirring deeply within me calling me to bring change without specifics.

I packed all that together in three suitcase full of hope that I would arrive at the end of whatever this was I felt inside once I got to Guatemala. Let me tell ya, my whole world unraveled further. Three and a half years later, I feel like I’m still walking up sand dunes that give way regressing my progress to upward movement. I am still trodding along. Next is learning not to “muscle through” my long-suffering with the Lord. Cause honestly, I just bulk up and keep on trudging, but I’m getting tired on these dunes, y’all. Anyone else now what I mean?

To Whom it May Concern

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I can remember the first time I came into a larger chunk of money. I was balanced, had cash at the ready, and felt as if I had arrived and would never need money again. There was this arrogant naïveté in my thinking that I would always have an influx of money; not learning yet, that much like all things there are tides in life that ebb and wane. I am finding that my encounters and revelations of God are much the same. From mountaintop moments I will burst from within my heart thinking I will never be the same again. Though this is true, proximity of time changes the shine of high moments.

When I was younger still, I would chase the highs of God. I wanted dramatic supernatural moments that made me feel so good in a way I only feel in those moments. It was and still is the best high I’ve ever felt. But therein lies the issues; we must guard ourselves from chasing those highs. Frustratingly, I must admit, my greatest growth and maturation comes in the lows when I’m processing the highs, and sitting in whatever abide the highs have given birth to. 

I am learning, God never reveals himself just to show us Himself simply for the heck of it. He does it for myriads of reasons and the longer I sit in the stays,  I am finding how He deepens the relationships between He and I. The earlier highs were beautiful, but these new highs are deeper and more hard fought for. Not because He’s a God who doesn’t want to be with us, but because He’s a good Father who is in the process of making us into who we were designed to be. It’s not easy, but it’s a good leading. He’s faithful, he’s good, and he’s just as profound and elevating in valleys as He is atop the mountain.