When the Shine Wears Off

What do you do when they shine has worn off?! Guatemala is still gorgeous, it does look like I’m on vacation, and there are so many wonderful things to explore, but it’s still life here. The last two weeks have been a slow cracking under a mountain of micro stresses that came to a head when I got a terrible haircut! Of all the things to send me into an ugly cry and want to go home it was a pretty poor haircut, and if you truly know me you know my hair holds my vanity, that’s my truth. 

I tried to prepare myself for days like these last two weeks, but I’m not sure there was any way to prepare for some of this. I needed someone to come look at my water at my house and the appointment was made for 10 am on a Friday afternoon, the man showed up at 3:30 pm like that was when we were supposed to meet, no big deal. I, on the other hand, had to move a meeting for work to a virtual meeting because I couldn’t leave the house. I spent days trying to buy a car and after multiple issues we had an appointment set and one hour before I was supposed to buy the car the man texted that he sold it to someone else. The emotional stress of having to find a new car and go through the process again was emotionally exhausting and I was shocked at how I felt about it all. 

It’s harder than I was expecting. I think I was expecting a few big meltdowns and that would be it. I don’t think I expected a relatively decent day-to-day that contained simple things leaving me feeling emotionally and mentally drained. Feeling emotionally ok at times, but I wake up and my jaw won’t shut normally all of a sudden. There have been times I was afraid my brain was shutting down, but then someone shared with me a list from a book they read about transitioning to a different culture and how our bodies process stress. Foggy brain, poor decision making, and TMJ are all on the list! TMJ is apparently why I couldn’t close my bite correctly and have had to find ways to help repair it. Thankfully, even in that people have offered helpful advice that I have applied. 

If I’ve learned anything in the last few weeks, it is that this is not for the faint of heart. It cost a lot getting here: my friends, my family, my stuff, my comfort, my regular paycheck, but it continues to cost me to stay here. I’m willing to count it, but I think I thought I would count that one cost in  moving here and then many things would just become “fixed” because I had been obedient and this was the next breakthrough in my life. So, why wouldn’t the things I’ve been waiting to iron out that I knew this season would just miraculously be answered, or solved, or completed? Life is still life and who you are and what God is working in and through your life is still there. Moving doesn’t take away all those things, it’s only changed them and added new stuff. 

I knew God was sending me to learn about things, but I think there was a real belief in me that He would just hand it to me. Isn’t it funny how haughty we can be when it comes to the Father when His truths don’t change. He says seek and keep on seeking, not count this cost and you’ll never need to seek me again… But I do think in that seeking He’s teaching me to have grace for myself. I thought I was good at offering that to myself, but I am learning that I’m not. Honesty, I’m a little depressed in this transition, it’s hard. I don’t want to leave, but I’d like to go home for the weekend, get my haircut by my girl who KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING, and basically say yes to God but not have to carry my cross. 

I don’t have that luxury though, I gave my yes and His grace continues to sustain me. I asked for this, I wanted the adventure, but there’s grace to remember that the cross was heavy, He knows, He carried it first. It’s uncomfortable, people stare at you like you’re crazy, and it’s not a stumble free carry; again, He knows. He carried it first. 

So, I’ll keep carrying. I know people are praying for me. I know people are encouraged by what I said yes to and I need them to be because I can’t do this alone. It’s too hard. I can’t raise funds on my own, I can’t cope with this on my own, I can’t build at the ministry on my own, and I was never meant to. I needed you to know the truth though, I can’t come here and present an Instagram pretty life when it’s raw and real and much like being in VA. It’s an injustice to His full goodness and perfect will for our lives - to not show Him in the fullness of His grace in the hype of the highlands and loneliness of the lowlands. That God is still real, still asking me to go beyond what I’ve already done, and the Bible is still true in Guatemala as it is in America. Thanks for going with me, being a partner, helping me get here, stay here, and grow here. This community we are building together in this call to go, is life and leads me to believe more and more in the power of the body and how we are really meant to be. 

Pray that I see the people I’m here to serve better, to see who is supposed to be a blessing to me and I’m open to allow them to be that. Pray that all this truth and honestly will move the body and this is bigger than me somehow and it’s leading us all more to Jesus. That’s the end goal anyway right, to see Jesus and know him more?