Shall We Dance?

I stopped at a gas station to grab a drink and while paying the cashier I noticed a wisp of a young girl, pregnant, looking tired, and counting change her in hand. Back in my car, the pregnant girl caught my eye as I started to drive off.

For a moment I debated going up to her, but I had to. I drove over beside her car and asked if she needed some gas in her car as she’d only pumped $4.81. As I pumped the gas she looked at me and shared, “It’s been a bad day.”

“They happen,” I responded. She told me her boyfriend was taken to jail this morning, and it was the worst day. As young and pregnant as she was, I empathized that it probably was for her. I asked when she was due and asked a few more general care questions. Then we sat in silence as I continued to pump the gas. When I was done, I gave her my contact information and offered to pray. I invited her to church and shared that she was welcome anytime. If anything, I wanted to reassure her she wasn’t alone and that someone did care about her. Though I may not have the full resources to help, I know who does and places I can send her for help.

As I drove off I reflected on the tugged whisper to see her. I have learned that you have to train yourself to see people. Life is busy, and it’s very easy for our lives to turn inwardly to ourselves and not have time or eyes to see the needs of those around us. Needs can simply mean a friendly smile for that human connection. Then, the more you do it, the more you see them. It’s like when you buy a new car, all of a sudden, you see them on the road all the time; you have trained your eye to see them through the association of owning one. I have trained my eyes to see people through the association of being seen by a Savior when I was lost.

I have learned to just keep deciding to see people. I had to practice seeing people and the more I did it the more I saw people. I’m not great at it, I am rude to others at times, but I try hard to see all people as people and treat them as seen and valuable in my small encounters. The more I practice, the more naturally it comes to me.

There are many people roaming past you on a daily basis who feel let down, beaten, conspired against, betrayed, lost, afraid, and isolated. It’s important to learn to see people where they are. There’s something about the moments when we see the broken pregnant girls alone in their car, where the power of the everyday is elevated and illuminated. The power of the every day is generated when we take the time to stop and see others. Rise or fall, sink or swim, we are all tied together, and we shift and move each other by the actions we choose to take.

To Whom it May Concern

I’ve gotten to the place where I will hit skip if, the ever popular song, Oceans comes on a shuffle list. It’s not that I don’t appreciate that song, I just get over songs, eventually. Today, I let it play.

This song is powerfully written, it beckons the heart to go deeper, but if you listen to the lyrics they are really intense. 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters…
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the water
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I remember how ardently I would sing those lyrics, pouring my heart out to God in a desire to be on that water with Him no matter what. Come to find out I don’t love being on deep waters, but I need is grace so much that I actually find myself chasing its abundance and as that lyric says…it abounds in deepest waters. 

I don’t mean it to sound so terrible, I am loving being out here on the road, telling people about Jesus. I like the adventure of not knowing what each day fully holds and leaving room for the Holy Spirit to move and use me.

What I will say is this: I have half-assed my faith when it comes to coming out on deep waters. I pridefully and somewhat ignorantly figured I could muscle through and God would get the glory. What I have PAINFULLY learned is that you cannot walk out on deeper water without drawing closer because it requires faith and the presence of God to sustain you on that water. Even if you can keep your head above water, maybe even waist deep, you’re still going to drown eventually. It’s exhausting trying to do something so supernatural in a natural capacity. 

I am learning the first decades of my faith walk of following the ways of Jesus was deeply milky in sustainability. As long as the majority of my circumstances lined up, I had adequate bible teaching in church, and powerful corporate worship experiences that would sustain me in the deeper waters. None of these will keep you atop of the waves. I have found it is done in the privacy of my own heart before the Lord, allowing him to strip you little by little to look more like him.

I didn’t sell all my things in one day, I didn’t move to Guatemala over night, I didn’t come back in one fail swoop, and I didn’t heal all the broken parts that disillusionment, church hurt, and ministry isolation through my own strength. Accepting a missions call in my native country was a slow yes.

He’s so good, but I am a witness to you that it takes every bit of surrender and then repentance to start all over again the next day. New mercies and grace to start over from where I held on to my own ways, my own thoughts, ideals, presuppositions, or opinions that are contrary to what the scriptures say and what time in his presence can do. Don’t get crazy now, I am lazy, I wallow, I live a life that looks financially stupid, and I KNOW this ain’t for everyone. But it’s my deep waters. It’s where my faith is stretched and refreshed. It is in the deep waters I meet a face of Jesus I haven’t met before and each time reveals so much more of his greater plans, purpose, and beauty. 

So to whom this one may concern, I wanted to share with you to risk the depths to access his abundance of grace. If you don’t understand what the means, I encourage you just to ask him to show you who he is. This is my one promise…I have never sought him and not found him. He is faithful to all things and that one you can take to the bank! 

To Whom it May Concern:

To Whom it May Concern:

You can’t help where you were born. Why one is born into privilege and one in to abject poverty is only answered by the creator. We have a responsibility to the position we are in to serve the underserved in our spheres. Out of the abundance of the heart we give; compassion, revelation, fasting, religion are found and centered in serving the underserved regardless of station. I’ve met women with dirt floor kitchens open their homes as a village soup kitchen during pandemic. 

When we step out God will put the next step in front of us. When we acknowledge him in all we do he will order and straighten the steps of our paths. The abide feels like a great big ole sick, but so does the gym. When you stand in the reward of that gym suck you feel good! Same with the suck of the abide. Someone told me, recently, that God was going to sustain me in this season. I know that’s true, but on days when the suck is more pronounced than the reward I have to remind myself that sustainability is meant for these times and I can trust him beyond all measure, fear, or anxiety. He’s a breath away to my cries of, “Help me!” Even when I groan and grumble, feeling like a toddler inside and I want to have a full-out-on-my-back-kicking temper tantrum I know he sustains me even then. 

He’s a good Father and faithful to be trusted. To my pals in the suck, I see you!! We’ll get there. In the meantime, what I keep doing is seeking him for answers to the questions and responsibilities he’s laid in my heart and hands. I keep short accounts with other believers I trust, especially on days when the abide feels more like punishment. I also keep my prayer language active with worship in the background to keep my heart in a posture of praise and worship because even in the suck he’s still more than worth it, and honestly, so am I. I am worth the pressing in for his peace and his presence. I guess it’s about posture. Where do you posture your heart? When there’s seemingly famine do you pour out anyway and allow Jesus to fill you again? I’m learning it’s living waters and when you acknowledge him all you do the waters stir and flow and regardless of ebbs and wanes of life tides, there is life - and life abundantly - flowing through you. 

So, choose life. 

To Whom it May Concern

I don’t love Mondays. Who really does?  But if you were curious if a full time missionary who doesn’t have a “demand” of a time clock got the Mondays? I can say yes, yes we do. 

It could be that I struggle to release more than two decades of routine, but Mondays often feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I need to set my week in some kind of order. Especially since my week is always flexible and I battle that feeling of wanting routine I feel out of whack as if on unsteady ground. 

When I went to Guatemala the first time, I was moved by how the missionaries would seek God for what they should be doing, who they should talk to, and allow his spirit to guide their daily lives. Now they had admin days of course, but many field days looked like that. I was so drawn to that life of being so led by the spirit on a daily basis that it in large part encouraged me to go to the missions field full time. I missed that opportunity of a lifestyle while there. Not because he wasn’t available for the seeking, but because I was in a different place. It wasn’t time for that quite yet. I had too much internal noise. I had so much to surrender before I could get to that place. 

Now I’m there, and I find myself just sitting and asking what’s next? Today, his answers have been “keep talking to me, I’m listening.” Nothing more right now, but I know he’s near. He’s molding my prayers to be less selfish. They are more of a collective gathering of prayers, a surrendering of heart searches within myself as I sit  asking him to show me. He’s near, I’m being obedient, and that means I’m right on time. It helps me battle off my melancholic Monday feels that really aren’t true, just lacking perspective. 

I’m making strides in the sitting and the seeking. Sometimes, I’m driving around town just focused on hearing. Sometimes, I sit outside in the shade and pen thoughts about it on my phone and see Him move in grace over these words. 

He’s for me, and I’m gonna win. Not because I’m good at anything, but because he’s showing me through revelation how much more full he is than me, and - more and more -  I’m dumping all my gunk out and letting him seek my heart. It’s work, and, at times, scary, but oh how he reveals himself! In and through, it is a deep rich wellspring of wonder and awe. 

To Whom it May Concern

I didn’t know a “nervous breakdown” was your nervous system breaking down and not being able to function as intended.. I didn’t know that eventually those things you muscle through  will show themselves. It’s been two years since the initial “breaking,” and it still surprises me that there are days when I don’t want to be here anymore.It's not a desire to die, per se, or even a lack of a will to live. It's more so a feeling of "I don't know how to do this anymore, and I would rather not be here anymore.". The more honest I’ve gotten with others about this feeling, the more I am hearing that the feeling is understood. Is this a normal thought in other people?  Or is this something of a plague we agree with and figure, “It’s ok we will just get through it?”

In experiencing my lowest days, I realized that when my nervous system is most stressed I start to get fuzzy-brained and do weird things. On one of those days, I left my iPad in the Denver airport bathroom, wrecked a rental car before I even got it out of the parking lot, and saw a project I’d dedicated my whole life to for two years go up in flames during  a three hour flight. I remember crying over how dark the day was. I had no idea how to manage all I was facing and telling my friend that I saw no tomorrows. 

I don’t feel like that today, thankfully. I think I am to the place where I know there are tomorrows no matter how dark today. I do feel deeply at times that I have very little worth to add to the world. It’s a very strong feeling that leaves me feeling loose and shaking all within my core. 

I really thought I was immune from mental health struggles, but I know that we are all the same. I know these things make it more relatable but being in the midst of days where I have to ask for help to hold myself together is very humbling. So humbling, I ALMOST don’t want to tell anyone, but the fear of keeping that in feels greater so I humble myself. I’ll be transparent…I don’t understand the purpose of this season I’m walking out, what I did or didn’t do to bring it on or exacerbate it, why I know He’s a real God but I also feel like He’s this distant judge and I just have to muscle through. My mind knows that He is not attached to how these relationships and circumstances diminish my sense of worth and life attribution, but my heart and my emptiness feels like it is. The “muscle through” doesn’t work, I’m fairly sedentary these days, and I want sustainable mental and physical health. 

So cheers to those whom it may concern, regarding our mental health and the battles we rage against and within. I’m asking for help, I’m being honest, and I’m full of faith (even if it’s a habit of faith) that nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. You can join me, thankfully we aren’t alone. 

To Whom it May Concern

I had a very close friend for a season in my life who battled deep clinical depression. The kind there I would have to go over to her house and get her to simply take a shower. I would coax her for about 40 minutes to get up by starting with simply sitting up. It was something I didn’t understand, but I could see this weight on her and wanted to help lift its gravity off her if just through a clean PJ set. I learned a lot in that time, and it made me far more compassionate to those who battle different forms of depression. 

In 2009, I opted for a double lumbar fusion surgery in my lower back to have a chance at a less painful life. Thankfully, it brought great healing to my body at the cost of great illness to my brain. The anesthesia and drugs changed my brain chemistry sending me into an overwhelming depression. I thought I was under spiritual attack (I know it was and continues to be but there also is a definite chemical illness happening) if I’m transparent; I asked a pastor at church about it and she advised that she thought I was depressed. I had no frame of reference for identification it. 

Life continues to happen. As I pen this I am reflecting on the journey…that bout had me deeply anxious and paranoid where I only felt safe in my car. I spent weeks parking in large parking lots like Home Depot or Lowe’s, reading a book in my car all day long. I didn’t feel safe anywhere outside of that car. It was a strange time. 

In 2011 my spiritual father passed from cancer and I had an excruciatingly challenging job at the time. I found myself in the parking lot of work more than once hyperventilating and crying. I was barely sleeping and felt like I was coming undone. This time I went to a doctor and they advised I was depressed but it presented itself as anxiety. I was prescribed Xanax; that was a God send in that time and I finally started sleeping again. 

In 2019 after years of learning to manage anxiety, feeling that my bouts of melancholy were because I was a writer and it’s how artists are; I found myself getting through each day thinking that surely tomorrow would have to be better. The thing is, my tomorrows were not getting better. Then we have a global pandemic which changed all of us, maybe fundamentally.  Then, I graduate from graduate school and feel like I should move to Guatemala to serve for a year as a full time missionary. Couple that with a deep spiritual crisis over church, pastor behavior and treatment, and something stirring deeply within me calling me to bring change without specifics.

I packed all that together in three suitcase full of hope that I would arrive at the end of whatever this was I felt inside once I got to Guatemala. Let me tell ya, my whole world unraveled further. Three and a half years later, I feel like I’m still walking up sand dunes that give way regressing my progress to upward movement. I am still trodding along. Next is learning not to “muscle through” my long-suffering with the Lord. Cause honestly, I just bulk up and keep on trudging, but I’m getting tired on these dunes, y’all. Anyone else now what I mean?

To Whom it May Concern

Sometimes courage is like cardio, painful in application, but rewarding after the endorphins kick in.

To Whom it May Concern

To whom it May Concern:

Just because it doesn’t look like what you think it’s supposed to look like doesn’t mean it’s not exactly what it is supposed to be like. We align our lives to scripture and in doing that we offer our best yes and let it take us where it goes. The full Bible is truth or it is not, and if it is our steps are ordered, His plans are perfect, we will suffer for this gospel life we lead, and regardless of our opinion of presupposition it will also look like Glory that is to God, not to us. His glory is our glory and that is enough when we bend our knee. 

To Whom it May Concern

I can remember the first time I came into a larger chunk of money. I was balanced, had cash at the ready, and felt as if I had arrived and would never need money again. There was this arrogant naïveté in my thinking that I would always have an influx of money; not learning yet, that much like all things there are tides in life that ebb and wane. I am finding that my encounters and revelations of God are much the same. From mountaintop moments I will burst from within my heart thinking I will never be the same again. Though this is true, proximity of time changes the shine of high moments.

When I was younger still, I would chase the highs of God. I wanted dramatic supernatural moments that made me feel so good in a way I only feel in those moments. It was and still is the best high I’ve ever felt. But therein lies the issues; we must guard ourselves from chasing those highs. Frustratingly, I must admit, my greatest growth and maturation comes in the lows when I’m processing the highs, and sitting in whatever abide the highs have given birth to. 

I am learning, God never reveals himself just to show us Himself simply for the heck of it. He does it for myriads of reasons and the longer I sit in the stays,  I am finding how He deepens the relationships between He and I. The earlier highs were beautiful, but these new highs are deeper and more hard fought for. Not because He’s a God who doesn’t want to be with us, but because He’s a good Father who is in the process of making us into who we were designed to be. It’s not easy, but it’s a good leading. He’s faithful, he’s good, and he’s just as profound and elevating in valleys as He is atop the mountain. 

Street Foods and the Process of the Making

As I walk down La Calzada de Santa Lucia, the main street of hustle and bustle in Antigua, I smell tortillas being made on the street. It’s a distinct smell, one that makes me start to salivate. Tortillas in the states are nothing compared to here, how they make them, the sound of the hands slapping them flat and then dropping them onto the hot stove is a true cultural experience of street foods in Guatemala. There are beautiful views at every turn, the weather is ideal, and I am learning a new language! If I’m honest, I really don’t think I believed I could do that. 

There is a different pace of life here, I walk to the market and buy fresh flowers that overtake my house for pennies on the dollar, I pick out fresh vegetables every few days because they won’t make it longer, and I take a coffee break by walking two blocks from my house and grabbing the best iced dirty chai latte in town. There are also some things that slow the pace of life down because they aren’t the same conveniences I had in the States, for example, filling ice trays is a longer process. I have to keep my eco-filter filled with water so I have clean drinking water to fill the trays with. My filter is a literal five gallon bucket with a spout on the side that I use to open and close in 3 second bursts as I fill each cube with water. It’s not inconvenient or annoying, it’s just more time consuming than using the faucet. It’s micro-changes to my life that change the pace and rhythm of how things are done. 

I like it, but I have a hard time adjusting to it. I’m used to the busy paced hustle of American life and when I was there I longed for a simpler lifestyle that allowed me to explore the areas of life I felt were needing to be explored, but now that I’m in it, I have to make myself be ok with it. Trying to compare who I was when I was in America, to who I am and how I live my life here is a hard comparison. Transitioning to a new culture was a lot harder than a two week trip somewhere. I felt like I was in a fog for the first four months of being here. Now, nearly seven months in, at times I feel like I’m disappearing. Not sure what that means, but I don’t know who this Ginny is right now. She’s still the same at the core, I’m not running amuck and acting a fool, but the questions I’m asking in my heart, the laziness in my heart, it’s not who I’m used to being. I’m not sure if I’m in an undoing or just in a new thing, but this life I’ve taken on is weird and one hell of an adjustment. 

I’ve been walking this Way for a long time. In November, I will celebrate 20 years of intimate relationship with Jesus. In all this time, I have had seasons of “proofing” and they have always strengthened my faith in His goodness and faithfulness. That being said, I find it so beautiful that in my internal heart wanders right now, in the moments when I feel like I’m disappearing, I remember I am in the middle of the making. He is making me and though it may not always be tidy and attractive, it’s honest and in progress. I read something by Oswald Chambers the other day where it talked about how the destination is the process. I guess that means I’m here, I got to the destination because clearly I’m in process. 

I think even when we know the strippings and unlearnings are coming, we feel lost within them when they hit until the truths fill back into those places. Most of my lessons are an unlearning of something I thought was but, come to find out, was not. Being committed to the unlearning and the process of the making is as important as our “yes” when we first encounter Jesus. It’s what sustains us to the finish line of this great race we took up the baton in.

So, fellow friends who are in process as well, I hope you embrace it and let it truly mold and shape you. I am and though sometimes I don’t know why I keep going, I know it’s all worth it and Jesus is worth every lost feeling, every frustration of wanting my way and my own glory in the surrenders, and I know I can trust that He is busy in the making. 

Updates from Guate

A month has passed and it feels like five minutes! It’s been a whirlwind of things and I’m so grateful that things are moving along, but there are also some sad things to share. I’ll do my best. I’d really like to put this off until I “feel” better, but then I’ll be in the States and then who knows what we will have missed?

How cute is Winton in his raincoat?

Firstly, I need to share that the CDC has placed an embargo on dogs coming into the States beginning on July 14 from many countries and Guatemala was on the list. This doesn’t mean I can’t bring a dog back as a returning US citizen, but it’s a 6 week approval process that’s not guaranteed and you have to bring the dog through an entry point, which is NYC. There are no flights from Guate to NYC directly to get Winston in. So, sadly next week when I come home I’ll be bringing Winston back too, permanently. I am exceedingly grateful for the timing, because I can bring him back with me personally. It’s a lot more to get him out than I realized in bringing him down here so it’s been a scramble and a small fortune, but he will be happily cared for with some very close family-like friends who have young children, who have known Winston their entire lives. He also has a lot of reactions, like I do, to the environment and things down here and the adjustment has been hard on him. I know this will probably be better. It’s just hard when the decision is made for you. 

I facilitate a small community group of ladies online and we recently read Ann VosKamp’s book One Thousand Gifts, where she took us through a journey of finding communion in Christ in the everyday...especially how to engage that communion in the dark moments of life. I’m grateful for the timing of that book too because it helped us coin a phrase, “All is grace.” And it is. I know God works in the background of things, I know there are more and more things coming and I am choosing to focus on the freedom it will bring to have Winston cared for so well in a season of high adventure, I seem to be in. I will ask that you pray for me, this is deeply painful. It’s a surrender, to again, let God have it all. I live with a loneliness that rests in a hope that there is more coming and God has a partner for me and a full community to fill my home with, but I think I have always thought, “well, at least I still have Winston.” And now, I’m humbled again and will rest in the waiting knowing He wastes nothing and all is grace. But again, please pray for me and the entire process. The next 9 days until we are back on US soil holds within it a lot of stress and preparation. I need covering for circumstances as much as for the fortitude of my heart and mind.

Tecpan Ruins - Mayan Ruins

Ok, let’s share some fun things. Had another guest come and she lavished me by treating us to two days at the beach a couple of weekends ago and it was my first road trip in my car! I did it!  It was so swanky and I was so grateful she took us. Check out the pool! You can’t really swim in the ocean here unless you surf because the undertow is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. 

This friend brought down some items and I was able to cook chili and cornbread for Josefina and her family. She had never had it before and she cooks all the time for me. So, I wanted to try. They all said they liked it, but they could just be being polite. Either way, I’m grateful I was able to do it. Last week, Josefina’s youngest daughter, Joselin, came home with me for a sleepover. We watched movies, painted our nails, and ordered dinner in. She chose Taco Bell...so Taco Bell it was! I learned something interesting though, too many choices overwhelmed her. Handing her the remote or the phone with Uber eats and saying, “Choose” was a lot for her. I also learned that it was her very first time sleeping away from home without a family member. It was her very first solo outing. I’m going to do it again, and next time take her to a restaurant and walk around Antigua. It was awesome! 

Joselin

I will be home next week for about a week. It’s exciting and a little scary to be honest. I know it will be overwhelming in some cases and a little heart wrenching in others. I also know it will be wonderful. I have many plans already booked and am looking forward to all the things. If you haven’t seen or been made aware, I will be at Farmhouse Brewery on Kempsville Rd a week from Saturday on 7/3 at 5pm until no one is there to see me anymore. I figured that would be a great way to see as many as possible. Please come by if you are free and can. 

Finally learning how to bake in high altitude, in celcius, and with gas!

Thank you for being a part of my community. I need it, I feel the prayers, the support, and know that I have a fleet of people who are cheering me on to what God is doing in and through my life. I am grateful for people who don’t even need to be kept up with, they just believe in this thing and I can’t get over the invitations to continue to step out to the edge to what the Father has. It’s not easy, but somehow He’s so sweet to me and still so worth it. Jesus is worth every cost, I just wish I gave the surrender less begrudgingly or without sobbing as much as I do. I just imagine myself standing facing Christ as He’s hanging on the cross and not once as I’ve stared into His agony He endured for me and heard Him say, “Hey, I hung on this cross for you!!! And this is the best I get?!” So, how can I possibly say that to Him in response to my circumstances? And somewhere down the road there will be a moment when someone else is having to count the cost of the meaning of that cross in their own lives and I’ll be able to say, “Do it, He won’t fail you.” It’s just so much more glamorous when I was younger and making these promises of commitment...So for now, I’ve been sitting closely at His feet and seeking just being with Him, because at the end of the day I asked to be undone by who Christ is and if I need to release all of me to get all of Him, then I will sit and seek. 

The pool at El Faro Hotel

I’m praying for you, that this story that’s not so exciting will still spur you in your own journey of surrender and strengthen resolve in His goodness and the good things He's put in each of us to do. I believe in the good amidst the sadness and that is where I tend to find joy.

Let's Go to the Beach!

Now that home visits and English classes have started in Bola, every six weeks we take off from being in Bola to give Josefina a break from hosting so much and offering so much of her time within the week. It’s also a nice break for us. Life is different here, things are a bit harder. Driving to Bola three days a week is an hour commute each way and it’s only 12 miles away from my house. The roads are winding up into mountains, there are many speed bumps, and the max speed is about 35 mph when we’re really giving it a go. Traveling here is exhausting on your body, it’s not something I understood until I moved here, but the break is good for us as well. Since it was my first week “off” since I got here I booked a trip for two nights with a couple of friends to the beach of El Peradon. Y’all, I went to the beach! It was amazing! This beach girl has always lived by the ocean. I have to share that the beach here is a force of nature; the waves are mighty, the sun is on a mission to meet you personally through a humidity that rivals Virginia, and sitting on the beach in that black sand is easily one of the hottest places I’ve ever been. We were on the beach before 8 a.m. and back at the pool by 10! We stayed at a surfers hotel and had a great two nights laughing, reading, playing games, and eating great seafood. It was so refreshing to get away and not having to be in charge of any of the logistics. I literally just made sure I was ready to go when they told me to be ready. 

My first time swimming in the Pacific Ocean and by swim, I mean stood because this current!

I’ve been seeking God about what else I can contribute in Bola. I've been spending more and more time with Josefina. I realized I’m the closest to her age and I may have something I can do a bit more easily by being close to her personally. Plus, she’s wonderful and anytime with her is so rich and full of so many things. I was thinking about things that I could “start” in Bola but I don’t know enough. I really know less now in life than I ever have. I thought about how soup kitchen is her idea and all we do is empower her to do it...what else does she have in her heart that all she needs is to be empowered? I hope we can come up with something to do together. I’d ask for your prayers on that. 

My friends.

I am working with my Spanish conversational tutor, who comes to the house for two hours a week. She’s actually well known as a cooking teacher, many people have told me what an amazing cook she is. She cooked Pepian for me for my first try, Pepian is one of the main traditional dishes in Guatemala and it is delicious! She hasn’t been working since the pandemic because schools are still closed here and they won’t be opening for sometime, sadly.  She also cooked for short-term missions teams who visited the area, but alas, same issue. So, being the little idea machine that I am, I started talking to her about making single-serve meals for pre-order. Many a gringa here has discussed with me our need for easier at home meals for the single people. She was hesitant at first until I asked her directly if she was scared, she broke down into tears and admitted she was. Together, we wrote out a business plan and came up with a manageable, low-startup cost menu to get started next month. I also made sure to talk to some of the women I know here and I was able to get her seven women lined up to pre-order some meals once a week! I do feel like this is God-breathed, that I’m to help empower her in doing this because she’s smart, driven, hard-working, and the woman can COOK! Please pray for that, what a blessing it would be to help this woman get back on her feet and start making some money again.

Oh ya know, riding a horse up an erupting volcano, no big deal.

Maybe that’s part of what I’m supposed to be doing here, empowering women to push beyond the lies of their culture and themselves to do something brave to make change for their families. I’m just staying open, even this week I was able to really share the gospel to people who came across my path. Just shared things that were simple and true and left them contemplating how much they wanted to seek out this great relationship with Jesus. I spend time with so many unique people with interesting stories and experiences, as much as I’m learning from them, I also want to remember that I am here on purpose carrying the greatest hope to life within me so I certainly bring unique things to the table myself. It’s just so interesting the things I’m learning here, so many things I didn’t know were options for a life, a career, a passion…

Do something, my friend Anna always tells people on her social media the worst thing you can do is not take control of the things you want. The thing is sometimes those things are hard to obtain, but they are worth it. Losing weight has been hard to obtain, but worth it. Moving to Guatemala in faith that there was something worth a great risk, it’s not been easy but I don’t think I’ll ever say it wasn’t worth it. So, do something. Step outside yourself, take a risk, say a prayer, and see your world expand. It’s amazing what it will communicate to others. As always, thanks for coming along on the journey. I can’t do this without you!

Pacaya, one of three active volcanos in my area. This was a rare event.

Oh If you missed my post online, I got to hike Pacaya last Sunday, which was erupting like crazy. I actually hired a horse half way, because the ash in the air and the altitude my asthma wasn’t having it, but it was really an incredible experience because honestly, I NEVER would have thought to dream to ride a horse up a volcano to watch it erupt...didn’t want to not share this nugget of adventure!

Couple of highlights to mention:

• Last week marked four months here! WOW!

• I’m supposed to get my car on Saturday, please pray this actually happens!

• I needed to raise support outside of my normal salary funding needs for Ubers to Bola as I mentioned last time. I raised more than I needed and in three days. I’m so grateful to those people who are so generous and that I have a contingency of those who I know I can ask. THANK YOU

• I’d love to chat, I’m missing people. Let’s schedule a call! 

• I’ll be home the first week of July for about a week and I’m so pumped for a visit home.

3 Months in Guate and We Launched English Classes

We launched the English classes! How exciting and rewarding that has been. We did have a very stark realization after the first class we had that our content was too advanced and we needed to get back to the curriculum writing and create some new lesson plans on the fly. The good news, we didn’t lose anything. We are pleased to be able to use the work we’ve already done to help with our next module. It’s been incredibly rewarding to watch these students work hard, do their time practicing at home, and open up to us more in class. We are laughing and each day I spend in Bola feels more like I’m in a good place. 

I’ve been here 3 months! Can you believe it?! I am a little homesick. Not particularly for life how I had in Virginia, but I am desperate for options of things to do. I am starting to realize, unless you’re up to always exploring, there aren’t many other activities to do with others but eat. Now mind you, the food is delicious, but I think I will be happier when my car gets here. I did buy one, but it’s coming from the states and with current border issues and customs it’s going to be another month before it gets here. I will ask for prayer that by some miracle it gets here before May. We have a number of visitors that month and the ministry is counting on my car for helping transport people. So, please pray! 

Winston is doing better. We have at least found a system where a young girl in my complex comes and sits with him until 3 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She leaves him and he’s quiet and calm when I get home. I am grateful we’ve found some balance. I’m pretty homesick for America. Not sure what for exactly? I think the freedom to go to NOVA and visit my people, or walking around Target. I miss those things. The Covid numbers are the highest they have been here and so they instituted new regulations and everything closes at 6 now. 

This week we start house visits. We plan to visit a family or two in Bola each week; this is important as it will build relationships. The ministry is very focused on not being a hand out ministry. It is about building community and it’s wonderful because it very much mirrors the work I’ve done in Russia with the ministry center through Orphan’s Tree. It’s what attracted me to working with This is Vida. Isn’t it interesting how God wastes nothing?

I’m grateful for many things though. I’m grateful for this opportunity, even though it is a very challenging experience. Even in writing this update, I write my initial drafts and then take a walk. Today, I walked to the Bodegona (the market here to shop) to pick up a few things for dinner tonight. I walked back, stopped for a mango from the stand by my house, and now am back working on this update. It’s a blessing to go for a walk to get my errands done. This week in my small group we answered the question, “do you feel served?” It was in context to something we are learning about thankfulness and gratitude and how that directly brings us into communion with Jesus. I shared how I did feel served in this season. I think about how this update goes out to over 50 people who want to know about what’s happening here and there are more than that financially investing in what God is doing in my life. I’m very aware there is a fleet of people following along in this journey, cheering me on, praying for me in the background, and that moves me deeply. When I told the girls about it that night I wept a little as I shared. It’s a deeply moving thing to have people invest so much into your life.

I’m grateful that since my last update 17 days ago I can feel the Holy Spirit moving my perspective, allowing me to ask my hard questions, giving me grace when I continue to attempt to do this on my own, and graciously bringing me peace as I repent and surrender. He is so good. I think part of what I’m warring against is this idea of what and who I wanted Jesus to be and mean in my life. I want the glory without the grit, but the truth is, in dying to myself, I am learning that we are made for His glory. He moves in and through my life to bring Himself glory through me. Not to bring glory to me through Him. And honestly, it’s been a tough pill to swallow because instead of surrendering myself to Him I sit and stare back in a stalemate gaze with my arms crossed, as if He owes me something more than the blood He shed for me. 

He’s so patient with me, He is here and wants to show me something and change something in and through me. I just don’t know what. I do know He’s worth it, every stubborn moment I want to hold onto something instead of letting His grace and mercy flow through my hands...I said I didn’t want to go back the same way I came. I think I’m finally getting to the place where I’m willing to let Him really change me. I’m not the best at putting my money where my mouth is...takes me a while to recognize that I can’t keep doing the same life I’ve been doing and get different results. It was the same when I started getting healthy, it didn’t have marked results until I really changed my life. He’s asking for everything we have when we say yes to Him. All our stubborn longing to stay the same but be changed, all our surrendered brokenness, all our wins and loses, everything thought, offense, flattery, victory, exploration, and more He wants to do it with us and I say I want that but I struggle to invite Him in. 

View from the cross overlooking Antigua.

That’s where I’m at. I’m working to invite Him in more, to release my fears of what could be, what is, and what was. Being willing to notice that my life is in a safe place and I can choose to trust Him. Selling out all to Jesus is just that a complete sell out, an emptying of self that I’m still very far from achieving, but I’m learning to be grateful in the middle of it and being honest with where I’m at and trusting the grace that is overflowing. 

Like my shirt? :)

Good reports! I am so close to being fully funded. I’m praying for 2 monthly donors at $250, 3 monthly donors at $100, and 4 at $50 but there are many people who have joined in for all different amounts. Appreciate the prayers to get there and to those who have already partnered with me in this goal. It’s amazing what you can do with others!

It’s always pretty here.

Have another visitor coming in two weeks. She came with me on my first trip to Guatemala and we haven’t seen each other since that trip three years ago.  I’m excited to host her and have her get her come to Bola and explore the city a little bit. 

Lastly, this is a long update, but thank you. Thank you for being part of my tribe of people who are getting me through. I seriously need you, it’s crazy what we can do in life if we ask people to go with us. I’m deeply grateful for the wonderful witness to my life, you give my life so much meaning in that witness. You are loved. 

Semana Santa and a Dive in a Lake

Welcome to Semana Santa! It’s Holy Week here, when Covid isn’t a thing the entire country goes into celebration and I’ve been told the amount of people is overwhelming. I haven’t been out much today yet, but I am eager to see what Antigua is a buzz with. 

It’s been an extremely eventful few weeks here in Guatemala. I worked extremely hard to get my work for our English classes to a place where I could set it down while my friend came to town. It was days in a row glued to my computer, but I am extremely proud of the work we have put in and I’m eager to see what works and what doesn’t. I’m wishing (only a little) I didn’t have to teach the classes, but I think that’s nerves and once I get into it, I’ll find a rhythm and will do fine. It’s encouraging to think we are about to put our best foot forward in helping these kids in Bola to change the course of their lives. When we change one it’s many more because here if one rises, the family rises. That gives me great hope for tomorrow and in the work that we’ve done. Really the best we can do is prepare and hope and the Lord does the rest. 

Last week my girlfriend came to visit and we experienced something I never expected, the airport closed due to volcanic ash. So crazy details later, she flew to San Salvador, El Salvador and my friend and hired driver got Covid tests and left at four am and went to get her. That was an adventure I will not be repeating, but we made it. It was amazing to have her here and she was able to bring some more of my clothes down for me which made it like Christmas! It was my own clothes, but I did get new shoes, because cobblestones change your shoe choices…

We spent two days at Lake Atitlan where we went hiking, zip lining, and swimming in the lake. It was a beautiful place and the adventures were a lot of fun. This trip was encouraging because it was a lot of work for my brain. I was the “native” traveling for the first time in the country and I had the Spanish. We got around really well on my Spanish. I was really proud to see it come together so well. I was able to get us where we needed to be, figure out when things left, what we were ordering, and helped negotiate shopping with the street vendors. What a blessing to see that all this work is starting to come together and I am going to make it here. 

We had a great trip. I did get a bit of food poisoning while she was here and was down for two days, but it was nice to have someone here to help me during that. Her visit really brought home some truths for me that I had to deal with. One of which being, I actually live here. She was going back to Virginia in a few days, but I was staying here and I never expected it to hit me so hard. It helped me see a few things, though. For example, I was merely “getting by.” I was working hard to make it a year, but not living here. So, when I got back from the airport yesterday I put up pictures, strung up twinkle lights, and made the decision to really be here. I don’t want to finish my time in Guatemala and go back to Virginia to the life I had before. Honestly, I wasn’t happy. I was merely “getting by” to the next day hoping the next tomorrow would be the day that would bring the breakthrough I was seeking. When I go back, I want to go back to more, with more. 

There’s a surrender that has come through her visit. Realizing all my disillusionments and missed expectations of what this was “supposed” to be like will never change if I don’t change my perspective. Becoming like Christ is a true stripping, it owes us nothing and the moments when we think it does it’s a good consideration to sit in a scripture that reminds us of the sacrifice of Christ and what the cross really meant. It meant eating with Peter who promised to never deny him knowing full well in a few hours he would. I am Peter, I promise to go and to serve and then deny I know this sacrifice when it asks me to deal with culture shock, selfish comforts, and wanting to have my cake and eat it too. 

I have two choices, to be here - really be here, or to “get by” until my time is done and I go back to the States. I have decided to go all in, to give it away again (even when I thought I already did that), to let him have his way. To sit in the stillness of this transitioning, trusting that in the cocoons of life he creates his greatest beauty in the quiet stillness of dim seasons. It is here I wait and trust his workmanship. 

Easter is here and it’s one of my most favorite times. I am cooking a chicken and having a few people over for a day of egg dying and egg hunts. Grateful for the care package from family who made sure I had Easter day provisions and Reese’s! 

The rest of this week/weekend I will work on preparing for our first English class on Tuesday. Pray for us! It’s exciting and I can’t wait to see what happens. I’ll also be working on fundraising. I am needing more financial partners to come alongside to reach my salary needs. I am impressed that I have more than 50 support partners, to think that many people are willing to help in this season is mind blowing. I am blown away by the community that I have. I am so blessed to know that I bring that with me. Community is life, it’s really the thing that sets me on fire and there are times when I am feeling overwhelmed with this choice that I remind myself there are people who are cheering me on. To know you are all here with me; to know who I can reach out to when I need something be it word, song, laugh, or cry there is someone in my community who is strategically there to provide that and I’m here to do the same for others....it’s pretty special what we are a part of when you think about it. 

When the Shine Wears Off

What do you do when they shine has worn off?! Guatemala is still gorgeous, it does look like I’m on vacation, and there are so many wonderful things to explore, but it’s still life here. The last two weeks have been a slow cracking under a mountain of micro stresses that came to a head when I got a terrible haircut! Of all the things to send me into an ugly cry and want to go home it was a pretty poor haircut, and if you truly know me you know my hair holds my vanity, that’s my truth. 

I tried to prepare myself for days like these last two weeks, but I’m not sure there was any way to prepare for some of this. I needed someone to come look at my water at my house and the appointment was made for 10 am on a Friday afternoon, the man showed up at 3:30 pm like that was when we were supposed to meet, no big deal. I, on the other hand, had to move a meeting for work to a virtual meeting because I couldn’t leave the house. I spent days trying to buy a car and after multiple issues we had an appointment set and one hour before I was supposed to buy the car the man texted that he sold it to someone else. The emotional stress of having to find a new car and go through the process again was emotionally exhausting and I was shocked at how I felt about it all. 

It’s harder than I was expecting. I think I was expecting a few big meltdowns and that would be it. I don’t think I expected a relatively decent day-to-day that contained simple things leaving me feeling emotionally and mentally drained. Feeling emotionally ok at times, but I wake up and my jaw won’t shut normally all of a sudden. There have been times I was afraid my brain was shutting down, but then someone shared with me a list from a book they read about transitioning to a different culture and how our bodies process stress. Foggy brain, poor decision making, and TMJ are all on the list! TMJ is apparently why I couldn’t close my bite correctly and have had to find ways to help repair it. Thankfully, even in that people have offered helpful advice that I have applied. 

If I’ve learned anything in the last few weeks, it is that this is not for the faint of heart. It cost a lot getting here: my friends, my family, my stuff, my comfort, my regular paycheck, but it continues to cost me to stay here. I’m willing to count it, but I think I thought I would count that one cost in  moving here and then many things would just become “fixed” because I had been obedient and this was the next breakthrough in my life. So, why wouldn’t the things I’ve been waiting to iron out that I knew this season would just miraculously be answered, or solved, or completed? Life is still life and who you are and what God is working in and through your life is still there. Moving doesn’t take away all those things, it’s only changed them and added new stuff. 

I knew God was sending me to learn about things, but I think there was a real belief in me that He would just hand it to me. Isn’t it funny how haughty we can be when it comes to the Father when His truths don’t change. He says seek and keep on seeking, not count this cost and you’ll never need to seek me again… But I do think in that seeking He’s teaching me to have grace for myself. I thought I was good at offering that to myself, but I am learning that I’m not. Honesty, I’m a little depressed in this transition, it’s hard. I don’t want to leave, but I’d like to go home for the weekend, get my haircut by my girl who KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING, and basically say yes to God but not have to carry my cross. 

I don’t have that luxury though, I gave my yes and His grace continues to sustain me. I asked for this, I wanted the adventure, but there’s grace to remember that the cross was heavy, He knows, He carried it first. It’s uncomfortable, people stare at you like you’re crazy, and it’s not a stumble free carry; again, He knows. He carried it first. 

So, I’ll keep carrying. I know people are praying for me. I know people are encouraged by what I said yes to and I need them to be because I can’t do this alone. It’s too hard. I can’t raise funds on my own, I can’t cope with this on my own, I can’t build at the ministry on my own, and I was never meant to. I needed you to know the truth though, I can’t come here and present an Instagram pretty life when it’s raw and real and much like being in VA. It’s an injustice to His full goodness and perfect will for our lives - to not show Him in the fullness of His grace in the hype of the highlands and loneliness of the lowlands. That God is still real, still asking me to go beyond what I’ve already done, and the Bible is still true in Guatemala as it is in America. Thanks for going with me, being a partner, helping me get here, stay here, and grow here. This community we are building together in this call to go, is life and leads me to believe more and more in the power of the body and how we are really meant to be. 

Pray that I see the people I’m here to serve better, to see who is supposed to be a blessing to me and I’m open to allow them to be that. Pray that all this truth and honestly will move the body and this is bigger than me somehow and it’s leading us all more to Jesus. That’s the end goal anyway right, to see Jesus and know him more?

Cats, Hamsters, Butterflies, and Quarantine

Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag, Guatemala became very real, very quickly last week. It was exciting to tell the world, but then it meant that I was moving to another country. As if my plane ticket and AirBnB reservation weren’t “real” enough. This week I had a lot of conversations with Angela, with This is Vida. It dawned on us that I would probably need to quarantine for two weeks upon my arrival in the country. They will get my groceries and leave them at the AirBnB and I will spend my first two weeks hanging out in my room. Guys, that’s 14 days all by myself. Real talk, I’ve NEVER spent two solid weeks alone in my entire life. I’m an extrovert, I hate being in the house alone too long, let alone being INSIDE THE SAME SPACE FOR 14 DAYS! Even on sick days, I typically need to at least drive to the 7-11 just to get out of the house for a few minutes. 

My initial internal reaction was dramatically, maybe I shouldn’t go after all? But then I thought, what in the world would I do instead?! The other downside of this is an additional two weeks in an AirBnB is nearly the equivalent of a month’s rent. I got over both of those circumstances, but still was tied up in thoughts of leaving. I had told the world now but not my boss. So I had to work that out too. I think the hardest part of this transition in letting the life changes Covid has brought carry over in all areas of my life and not being frustrated at its impact. I didn’t expect Covid to still be impacting my transition in September when I was making plans in March. I didn't think that I would have to consider sitting in an AirBnB with Winston for two weeks until I could get started in establishing my life in a new country. It also eliminated my hope of someone coming with me for the first two weeks to help with the transition. 

There are many things I could be distracted with in this season of transition. It truly is a challenging time, exciting for sure, but challenging. I’ve cried a lot, I have butterflies in my belly when I think about leaving, I feel isolated from people in a unique way and I get scared that I will be so lonely that I find myself striving in things now out of anticipation of that fear. I’m trying to learn not to let those things get in my way, I can run on these hamster wheels of fear and uncertainty or I can sit down, take a deep breath, and rest. Sometimes, I spend so much time trying to make something happen for myself that I make matters more frustrating for myself. I can’t control a virus, I can’t make the president open up borders, I can’t avoid sitting in a room for two weeks, but I can control how I approach each of these circumstances. I can trust the plan that was put into motion two years ago when I looked at my friend and said, “Let’s go on one of these trips,” is still moving forward, still on time, and still perfectly laid out to accomplish all it was supposed to. 

The beauty I’m seeing in inviting my world into all of this is the support from others; the expressed connection and support to the adventure. So many times in my life people would say they just didn’t understand my life choices - how I had such wanderlust, but this time, this life choice has been met with resounding excitement and support. It is as if this one just clicks for people and it makes sense to them. Not that I need my life to “make sense” to anyone, but to have the people in your world resound with you is nice. It encourages and reminds me community is important, they spur us on and those that don’t...just let those go. 

Holy Crap, I’m moving to Guatemala.

Remember that scene in Lion King when the hyenas were repeating Mufasa’s name and shuttering? That’s how I feel every time I say out loud that I’m moving to Guatemala. When I visited on a five day mission trip two years ago with my work, I was just excited about going somewhere new and where it wasn’t illegal to openly be a Christian and minister to others. I sat at a table within the first 24 hours of being in the country with our short term team lead Angela and her husband Miguel (they are a very important part of this story - remember them) starts waxing philosophical about the draw and seduction of Guatemala. I remember thinking, That’s a nice sentiment, wonder who that is for? 

In May I earned my Masters in Strategic Communications. Originally, I’d gone to grad school to become a professor. About half way through the program, I knew I was never going to be a professor - I was going into full time ministry. WHAT THE? Ministry? Ok so, I figured a nonprofit was my direction. I had this degree coming and years of corporate experience, I’d run a small business with a small staff rather successfully, and I was up for something that was meaningful. I could take a director level position or write some grants, something. I also knew my time in Virginia Beach was coming to an end. I had suffered a few deep disappointments and overall, it just felt like my life was drying up here, so I was open to a change in scenery and a MUCH larger salary. I spent the remaining three semesters in school figuring out what was next. 

We tend to gather at my brother’s place for thanksgiving and last year I was going to forgo that trip. It had been a rough fall and for various reasons it seemed a better choice to stay home. As a last minute decision I decide to go to Dallas for a few days to celebrate the holiday with my family. My first morning in Dallas, I was scrolling through my social media and found out that Angela and Miguel were visiting Dallas as well and we were only 12 miles from each other. What are the odds? From Virginia Beach to Antigua, Guatemala and we’re 12 miles from each other?! We met up at a Starbucks and for three hours shared so many things and changes in our lives including, their plan to branch out from their current ministry and start their own. They were planning on launching a ministry that would build community in two specific villages outside of Antigua. It was a refreshing conversation and I was excited to hear of what they were doing. But from that point on Guatemala was on the table, way off where someone would have to pass it to me - on the table, but on the table all the same. 

I slowly narrowed my pursuits and by a million weird coincidental happenings, I had Australia, North Carolina, and Guatemala on the table as possible life options. By February I was really starting to feel the pressure, wondering which was the right choice for me and facing an approaching move out of my current residence. Finally, the first weekend of March I got some clear direction and it was simply that I could choose whatever I wanted. And to my personal shock and awe, I chose to serve as a full time missionary in Guatemala with Miguel and Angela’s new ministry This is Vida. 

Then a week later, the whole world shut down! 

I’m still making plans to move and as of yesterday the State Department opened international travel for America. Guatemala remains closed for any air travel whatsoever and is only allowing residents and citizens over land borders. I’m eager to get to Guatemala though, and help build community with these villages. 

So, what is that going to look like? 

Well, I’m glad you asked. Winston and I are currently booked on a flight on September 17th. I have committed to a year with the ministry and am really looking forward to this adventure. We will check into an AirBnB in the city of Antigua, for two weeks, while Angela and Miguel help me get an apartment, a car, bank account, groceries, a phone, all the things needed to establish oneself in a new country. Whew, just writing that gives me butterflies. 

This is a unique opportunity for me. If you know me even a little, missions have been a huge part of my Christian walk, it’s where I found Jesus for the first time and I have been able to participate in 17 trips total in four countries. Somewhere along the road I forgot about these dreams I had of going on the mission field full time, but low and behold, God didn’t. So here I venture. 

The best thing is I need you to do it with me. I need you to come down and visit; see what we are doing, be a part of the work, and help us establish these villages in community and love. Pray for the work we are doing, pray for relationships, and supplies to help meet physical basic needs like clean water and safe cooking stoves. Partner with me financially. I am unable to work for a salary in the country due to visa restrictions so all my work is support funded. I have been ordained and accepted through the Commission Ministers Network to provide spiritual covering and the tax covering I need to raise tax-deductible funding for my time living in Guatemala. So, this site will allow monthly pledges to be set up and auto drafted once a month. Then at the end of the year they will send out the needed paperwork to donors for their taxes. I’m grateful for their help and their covering. 

I’ve had to figure out how to eat the elephant of funding. The monthly goal is the average of what I’ve always needed to raise just for one trip, now to do that monthly, in an environment where churches no longer sponsor missionaries...how in the heck was this going to happen? And like they always say, one bite at a time. My monthly need is $3300, I know whoa! But if 125 people pledged $20 a month it would be a $240 annual commitment, but combined would equal $2,500 of the monthly goal leaving less than $1000 for larger donors and corporate sponsorship. So, that’s what I’m hoping for. Would you please consider being a $20 a month pledge donor? I understand times are challenging and not everyone can. Lump sums are just as meaningful and helpful, and even $5 a month is meaningful to the bottom line and generous. You can find all links under the links page or by clicking here.

I will be keeping all things posted on this blog - videos, pictures, stories, visits, all of it here. So please bookmark the site for my weekly posts. I hope to have you join my community, because we need it and if we’ve learned anything through this weird time in life is that community is just as powerful online as it is in person. I love you, and I’m excited to share in this adventure with you.